Horsefeathers - SEX AND THE RELIGION OF PEACE(CONT.)

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January 27, 2004

SEX AND THE RELIGION OF PEACE(CONT.)

Azar Nafisi’s memoir Reading Lolita in Tehran offers a vivid glimpse of life in Iran's theocracy. One of the members of her reading group had been translating the magnum opus of the great Islamic scholar Ayatollah Khomeini. In his masterwork, The Political, Philosophical, Social and Religious Principles of Ayatollah Khomeini, he addressed some pressing social problems, such as the dangerous pressure of men’s sexual appetites: “Did you know that one way to cure a man’s sexual appetites is by having sex with animals?” But this leads to very important moral, intellectual and philosophical problems, to wit: “You have to ask yourself if a man who has had sex with a chicken can he then eat the chicken afterwards. Our leader has provided us with an answer: No, neither he nor his immediate family or next-door neighbors can eat of that chicken’s meat, but it is okay for a neighbor who lives two doors away.” Nafisi adds that “these texts were taken seriously by people who ruled us and in whose hands lay our fate and the fate of our country. Every day on national television and radio these guardians of morality and culture would make similar statements and discuss such matters as if they were the most serious themes for contemplation and consideration.”

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I'm not sure of the BlowtheTollah's reasoning--to wit, that porking chickens (not to mix species) would "cure" a person's sexual appetites. [But, then, I'm not sure of so very many things.]

A recent paper by Papsmear and Yucky entitled, "Chickens: Are they really as good a lay as they appear?" (clever. Stupid, to be sure, but clever) in the Danish Journal of Cheese Science, states, and I quote...

"One third of male subjects reported that they found hens to be superior to female humans as sexual partners."

Reasons cited include the following:

1. "Less wasted energy on foreplay. You just tell them they have a nice beak, and you're in--in a manner of speaking."

2. "They don't nag about where the relationship is going."

3. "You don't have to take them to dinner at a fancy restaurant first. Just toss a handful of corn on the floor."

4. "There's no need to ask, 'Was it good for you?' because it probably wasn't."

5. "No need to call them the next day."

6. "Unlike relations with sheep, you don't have to wear rubber boots--unless of course you have 'a thing' for rubber boots (and who, after all, doesn't?)."

In contrast to what is stated in the Blowthetollah's book of masturbatory fantasies, "Most subjects found that their sexual appetites for chicken had increased."

"I can't stop think of her," moaned Mr. Dell Toid. "There was something in the way she moved. She affected me like no other lover."

Unfortunately, Mr. Toid developed a nasty case of Acute Nits on the Nuts Syndrome, amd is now being treated with DDT.

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