October 15, 2004

JOHN KERRY'S ELECTION EVE SPEECH

My fellow Americans,
        I'm John Kerry and I want to thank America, Europe, Asia and Africa, the entire world and the solar system for the great opportunity you have given me. Tomorrow, my running mate and I will bring us all together in a hand holding, sing-a-long of We Are The World, to which we will invite so-called enemies, like the Hamas, as well as friends we've alienated, like the recent Nobel Peace Prize winner, Kenyan ecologist Wangari Maathai. Ms. Maathai has been so wronged by President Bush's murderous policies that she believes AIDS is an artificially created biological agent designed to kill black Africans. She and her fellow Nobel Peace Prize winner, Yasser Arafat, will be among the first I will apologize to and invite to the White House to repair the damage done by George W. Bush.
        When John Edwards and I are elected we have a comprehensive plan we will bring to the Congress in the first 90 days of our administration. This is a time for boldness, and we will therefore start by attacking the root cause of so much unhappiness in George Bush’s America: the difference between the sexes. Never have these differences been so unfair. Why should we need to distinguish between gays and straights at all? It just produces sexism and unhappiness. Our legislation will eliminate the causes of same sex as well as heterosexual behavior by removing inner conflict and eliminating all sources of frustration. Then, in the spirit of the late, great Jacques Derrida, we will submit legislation that assigns to every newborn a post-modern “narrative” that does away with gender identity, thereby providing the true freedom we all yearn for—freedom from gender roles. No more patriarchy. No more sexism. Everyone can grow up to be a metrosexual, not just those born to, or marrying into wealth.
        We know many of you are concerned that the real world is full of dangers—terrorism and disease being prominent among them. Our plan, not only reduces terrorism to the level of prostitution, but also eliminates prostitution since no one will feel the need for sexual gratification. Our fully funded NIH will provide drugs to remove the cause of so much suffering—sexual desire. If our great reservoir of scientific talent can produce Viagra, why not a drug that permanently suppresses desire? As an immediate benefit of such efforts AIDS will be eliminated. Abortions will be unnecessary. As long as there is even one person driven by longing for the opposite sex, our job will not be done.
        John Edwards and I promise to work tirelessly for you, the overstressed average American. We know that most of you are losers making less than $200,000 a year. We will appear regularly on Oprah to provide empathic psycho-therapeutic support to each of you. Once we have eliminated sexual differences, our comprehensive plan goes on to deal with troublesome racial and ethnic differences. We will fund gene therapy research to provide everyone with indeterminable--though attractive-- ethnic characteristics.
        Furthermore it will be our task to go beyond affirmative action, to build a truly egalitarian nation. Why shouldn’t everyone be good enough to play centerfield for the Yankees? In George Bush’s America, most men who might otherwise be playing are forced to purchase seats in George Steinbrenner’s stadium where all they can do is chant “Who’s your daddy” at ballplayers who were unfairly blessed with superior talent. Is that the kind of America you want? And what about an America where things like hurricanes unfairly afflict Florida, and Californians have to suffer through earthquakes? Is it right that Mount St. Helen’s should erupt amidst the good people of Washington? Our plan will fund geological research to eliminate such outrageous natural events. Nature should be our constant friend, not an uncaring realm of cruelty and death. Finally, as a centerpiece of our plan, we will eliminate death. “Death destroys a man, but the idea of death saves him” wrote E.M. Forster. Saves him from what, we ask? Why should we have to be destroyed? It's an affront to the millions of hard working people of our great land. Such unfairness cannot stand.
        Our first step, as John Edwards so compassionately suggested, will be to cure the disabled, to make the paralyzed walk, and the blind see. Is it right that disabled people have to compete in “special” Olympics? We will make sure there are no more victims like Christopher Reeve, confined to wheel chairs simply because they were bucked off a horse. Under our plan these noble sufferers will compete in the real Olympics. And that raises the question that we’re certain troubles our fellow citizens; why shouldn’t each of us be superb at anything we choose? Henny Youngman once joked that when his doctor set his broken arm he inquired “Doc, will I be able to play the violin when it heals?” When the doctor replied, “Sure”, Henny said “that’s great, because I don’t know how to play now.” To John Edwards and to me, this is not a joking matter. We want everyone to get to Carnegie Hall and we will set to work from day one of our administration creating equality for all at the highest level. That is true affirmative action. Any boy who grows up as I did in the lap of luxury will be guaranteed a starting forward’s job on the Boston Celtics, or as a Professor of Post-Modern Hermeneutics.
        Finally, let me close by mentioning how much John Edwards and I stand for strong families. Strong families can comfortably discuss, as we do, the sexual orientation of our opponents' children. Strong family men like me who by the way served in Vietnam, can express admiration for his opponent’s parents. They have been able to love him despite his avoidance of service in Vietnam, his drunk driving, his detachment from reality, his record of failure, his lying, stubbornness and inability to windsurf. The list could go on and on, but you get the point, my fellow Americans. Thank you and I ask for your vote in the spirit of ecumenism; may God or Allah, or the Sand Sprite bless America and bless you. Good night.